oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
