Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
