I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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