I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
