I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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