Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just tell him i said nine months
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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