Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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