You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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