I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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