my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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