$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
