just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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