Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He passed out mid-signature
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
