dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
As shirtless as possible
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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