So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
