a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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