I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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