A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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