so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
