so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
People in love make me want to vomit
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
