To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
