Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
