I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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