I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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