Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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