i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
