i was born a porn star she said
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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