fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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