I CAN MOONWALK!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
