Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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