I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
