Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
