yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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