Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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