I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
