I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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