we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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