Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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