he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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