i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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