Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
