I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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