I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
