when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
