if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is my gift to your gina
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
