Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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