and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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