so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
