I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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