while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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