Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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