If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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