i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
