Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
