can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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