go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
