It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
